Quality Jokes

Just thought I would post this joke a friend told me at school, i am writing it off memory so it may be a little off .

There are a group of men in a changeroom.
Suddendly a phone rings and a man picks it up.
"Hey Honey" says the man, he listens to the women on the other end talk
"sure you can buy a new car if it is only 90 thousand dollars" he listens some more "Real diamonds you say, sure if they are only 150 thousand it is a steal" he listens again "Well I always wanted a beach house and at 1.2 million I think the price is just right" He says good bye and turns to the other men in the change room who are all staring at him mouths agape. After a brief pause he smiles and says "anybody know who's phone this is?"


Anybody else heard a good joke lately

Here are some jokes i've got in my mail yesterday.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet.How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

************************************************** ****************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue:"I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid
************************************************** ****************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I'v e always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

************************************************** ****************************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

************************************************** ****************** *********

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.
If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

************************************************** ****************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

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Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind
of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.
Did you copy that report from Eastern 7 02?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern...
we've already notified our caterers."

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee.
Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger:
"I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

************************************************** ****************************

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call sign Speedbird 206 .
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land with some flack."

************************************************** ***************************

While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want y ou to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"

haha LOL, good jokes mate!

LOL yeh great to see someone finally replied to my joke post and with a good joke too

Right them, i've got some new ones. Hope this lets you start/end a day with a good laughs.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life;
is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats and Don't waste
them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.
Speeding up your heart will
not make you live longer; that's like saying you
can extend the life of your
car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a
nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and
vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a
cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing
more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.
Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
allowance of vegetable
products.

Q:Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit.
Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the
water out of the fruity bit
so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is
also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q:How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your
ratio is one to one. If you
have two bodies your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:What are some of the advantages of participating in
a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My
philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q:Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!
.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In
fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for
you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little
soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets
bigger. You should only
be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy?
HELLO
Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best
feel-good food around!


Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales
to me.


Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions
you may have had about
food and diets.


And remember:


'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with
the intention of arriving
safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but
rather to skid in
sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the
other - body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO,
What a Ride'

AND......

For those of you who watch what you eat , here's
the final word on nutrition
and health. It's a relief to know the truth after
all those conflicting
nutritional studies.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.


2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than Americans.


3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.


4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer
fewer heart attacks than Americans.


5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of
sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you...............?!
__________________
And an nice little treat for putting up with my ridiculous jokes

http://www.virginmedia.com/weird-world/?mvnvid=9373703

KillZ0n3 wrote:
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is
apparently what kills you...............?!

Funniest thing I have read on this forum so far


Apart from Sirius saying he was gorgeous of course

RIght lads, it's time for another run of: KILLZ0N3's JOKES!!!!

That's right, it's time to laugh until you drop or jump aboard the ROFLCOPTER.
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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station.....

and then the fight started....

***

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

***

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober
since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

***

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.....

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One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

****

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'

The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

****

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

****

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

****

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them,

'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'

'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'

*****
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'